Episode 21: Jerri's Burning Issue

“OK everybody, quiet down! Quiet down!”

“This? Damn bees!”

“Well it's not!”

“I just finished meeting with the committee of me, myself, and I and we've made my final decision for this year's Lord and Lady of the dance, the royal duo this year is Jared Westerly and Jerri Blank!”

“Hey! We could hang streamers from the ceiling!”

“It's not a coldsore! I bumped my lip on a biscuit!”

“Sure Jerri! I was just about to fire this in the ole kiln. It's for my lecture on erotic art in the lost city of Pompei.”

Jerri: How was Pompeii lost?

“No one knows, it was buried under tons of lava which of course destroyed all the records.”

“My lip... fell down a flight of stairs”

“What do you want Jerri?”

“Recently somebody gave me a gift I didn't want. And I can't return it, not even for store credit.”

“And this somebody won't own up and I think that's pretty wrong.”

Jerri: “Talking about your cold sore?”

“No I am not!

“Jerri what's going on with the dance?”

“Jerri that's nothing to be ashamed about, unless you're embarrassed about having everybody know you've done something so shameful.”

“Oh yes there is Jerri, even if I have to be both lord and lady!”

“Alrighty, there is no need to panic. I'm going to lead us through this.”

“I can't do this. the dance is tonight. Why would you follow me, I don't even have a spine!”

“I are Jerri! All of I are!”

“Let's go decorate a lunch room!”

Jerri: “Nice cold sores.”

“Yes they are!”

Episode 22: Is Freedom Free?

“I cannot wait to tell you about freedom week!”

“Look people, I don't think you appreciate just how serious this freedom stuff is.”

“You cannot image what it was like to be a black man in the slave days, but I can.”

“And let me tell you, it was horrible what you did to my people.”

“OK for our assignments I'm going to be passing out cameras and your project is to take pictures of things that represent freedom.”

“I'm going to pair you up into teams. George you can be with Clinton.”

“Bootsy, you can be with Collins.”

“Arnie why don't you be with... Jerri.”

“Tony you're going to be with... Susan.”

“Tomorrow we're going to develop our pictures and be displaying them in the freedom cage.”

“Principle Blackman will be judging them for most.. free-est!!”

“OK class, it's time to develop our photos. I'd like to remind you, be extra careful with these chemicals they're very dangerous. Be careful over there.”

“Yes Arnie, what do I want?”

“Oh Arnie, I'm sorry, there's no second chances with freedom, but i can give you an F.”

“So now, to develop our film I'm going to have to shut off the lights. It's going to get pretty dark in there but there's nothing to be frightened of.”

“OK, calm down, breathe, the lights will be on soon.”

“Something just brushed me leg, what was it?!?”

“I can't find the light switch!! I'm all turned around!! I can't breathe... I can't...”

“OK! let's get our photos in the stop bath and I'm going to take a quick trip to the little boys room.”

“Let's look Jerri, it's....good!”

“But she was just trying to express myself!”

“Mrs. Blank I was just on my way to play some tennis and then something occurred to me. Is Jerri here.”

“It's freedom week Mrs. Blank, it just happened. It's bigger than both of me!”

“Jerri you can't just take this lying down.”

“Let me tell you a little story. I had a painting hanging in a gallery once and it was viciously censored.”

“Nobody bought it, not even when I slashed the price!”

“I was so disgusted I pulled it from the gallery and donated it to the Crab Shanty restaurant and you know something, they censored me as well!”

“When I went there for a bucket of hush puppies, it wasn't hung prominently.”

“No Jerri, if this was an isolated incident I would say maybe. But they did they same thing to my novel, my collection of poetry and my sportswear line.”

“Don't you see what's happening Jerri? They're trying to censor me again by censoring you.”

“Jerri with that kind attitude you're never going to have any pain in your life.”

“Don't you want to be like the great freedom fighters like Ghandi?”

“They shot him in the stomach.”

“Or Martin Luther King?”

“They shot him in the head.”

“Or Bobby Kennedy.”

“No he drowned in a car accident, his brother was driving.”

“The point is Jerri, if I didn't have your neck to stick out there I would never go through with this. What do you say??”

“I'm gonna go see Derek.”

“Hey Jerri I thought we'd have lunch together and outline our plan of attack.”

“What do you think about blocking all the doors and setting fire to the school?”

“That's it! Hunger strike! We'll go on a hunger strike!”

“You won't eat and I won't feed you!”

“You'll be just like Bobby Sands.”

“He starved to death!”

“This is about artistic freedom and I am an artist.”

“I am unmovable.”

“Nothing can sway me.”

“You gotta deal mister!”

“Jerri we won!!”

“The shackles of censorship have been shattered.”

Jerri: “They'll display my artwork?”

“They're gonna display mine!”

“But they won't buy my art.”

“Why are you censoring me Jerri. I HATE YOU!!”

Jerri: “The sexier you are, the more freedom you deserve”

Episode 23: Trail of Tears

“Excellent! Indian corn!”

“A blunderbuss!”

“What do we have here?”

Student: “It's a turkey. What do you think?”

“Let me show you something.”

Student: “Mine looks more like a turkey.”

“Yeah, but did you see how quickly I did mine?”

“OK! Good! As you all know, when we get back from our two week holiday break we'll be putting on our biannual thanksgiving turkey pageant! Gobble gobble!”

“Now let's find out who's playing what in the pageant. Who wants to be a pilgrim?”

“Way to go Jerri! You just insulted my best chance for an Indian!”

“I understand why you all want to be pilgrims. Hey I love buckles too!”

“But I need savages!”

“Hey do any of you know any of the black kids?”

“What are you people doing?”

“Why is everybody dressed like a pilgrim?”

“Is this some sort of joke?”

“Where are my Indians?”

“DAMNIT!! I SWEAR TO CHRIST PEOPLE I WILL CANCEL THIS WHOLE GODAMN TURKEY PAGENENT JUST BECAUSE YOU PEOPLE ARE SO GODDAMN SELFISH!!”

“WHO WILL BE MY INDAINS??”

“Get this squaw a papoose, I've got a show to put on!”

Episode 24: Invisible Love

Chuck: “OK here's an idea. I'll be a cowboy and you'll be an Indian.”

Geoffrey: “How come you always get the upper hand?”

Chuck: “Fine you think of something!”

Geoffrey: “Prison guard! And you can be a death row inmate.”

Chuck: “Who has the upper hand then?”

Together: “U-boat captains!”

Chuck: “Yabowl!”

Geoffrey: “We can chase each other around the murky deep and we can fire our missiles!”

Chuck: “Rigged for silent running!”

Blackman: “What are you two doing around here?!”

Geoffrey: “Hey is that how they heat the whole school?”

Chuck: “Yeah that's the boiler and this is the gage.”

Blackman: “Alright you two if you don't mind the school day is over and I'd like to lock up.”

Geoffrey: “Hey and I'd like to go home!”

Chuck: “I'll drive.”

Geoffrey: “Alright! Principle.”

Geoffrey: “Psst! Picnic in the boiler room!”

Chuck: “Five minutes!”

Chuck: “Hello hello, mister cow, you have got the cow pox and I am Louis Pasteur and I am here to inoculate you!”

Geoffrey: “You gotta catch me first!”

Chuck: “Hey Mr. Cow you come back here, you naughty little cow!”

Geoffrey: “Well! Is this my Bunsen burner? I was looking for this!”

Chuck: “Laird, what am I doing here, shouldn't I be in class? Well I'm going to find out mister!”

Episode 25: Is My Daddy Crazy?

“1,2,3 stroke”

“In a minute Jerri.”

“What's on your mind Jerri?”

Jerri: “Do you know anything about mental illness?”

Geoffrey: “What makes you think I'm crazy? I know what I'm doing. I paint on every third stroke, it's a prime number it can't be broken down.”

“I try to paint on the even ones but they keep fighting back.”

Jerri: “You're not the crazy person.”

Geoffrey: “I'm not? I mean of course I'm not! Oh you're probably talking about your stepmother's lover. I hear he's a psycho.”

Jerri: “What? That's nothing but an ugly vicious truth! He's insane! And I have to de-crazy him up by tomorrow.”

Geoffrey: “Have you tried confining him to a small box, force feeding him milk and poking him with a stick?”

Jerri: “Will that fix him?”

Geoffrey: “It'll make his cutlets tender. Hey why don't you head down to the school library and get some information on maniacs?”

Jerri: “Library... that sounds familiar, what is it?”

Geoffrey: “I'm not sure.”

Episode 26: Blank Relay

“Let's hear it for the Flatpoint cheerleaders!”

“Rhythm is gonna getcha!”

“And of course the reason we're here tonight, the Flatpoint ladies track team!”

“Just a few quick words about these winners.”

“These brave young ladies represent this school and more importantly, they represent ME!”

“Can you visualize me in a sexy little track suit crossing the finish line first. I can!”

“God help me if they lose. Let's hear it for the Donkettes!”

“I haven't gotten to my cheer yet. Great! I fired them up, let's see if you can keep their attention!”

“Oh say can you see by the dawn's early light....”

“and the rocket's red glare.....that's detention mister!”

Episode 27: Ask Jerri

Goth Girl: “Mr. J can i get your advice about something.”

Geoffrey: “Can you make it quick? I have an advice column to write.”

Goth Girl: “There's that student from Carlot who committed suicide a couple weeks ago and since then I can't stop thinking about it.”

Geoffrey: “Join the club! Did you hear about the turnout at his funeral? It was like he was a celebrity or something!”

“I bet there are a lot of kids who didn't treat him very well and are pretty sorry about it now! Can you imagine having that many people distraught about your death? Can you imagine it?!?”

“GOD I envy that kid! So what's your question?”

Goth Girl: “I guess I don't really have one.”

Geoffrey: “Well if you get one, give me a dingle!”

Chuck: “Hey Geoffrey, a student wrote a letter for you column, want me to put it with the others?”

Geoffrey: “You bet! Those student problems are so... morose! I like happy problems.”

“Listen to this one I just made up: Dear Geoffrey, I recently acquired an antique Shaker table which is really fun in a rustic kind of way but it doesn't fit in with my Key West colors. What should I do? Signed Desperately seeking Deco.”

Blackman: “How am I supposed to brainwash my minions if they aren't reading the official party line?”

Geoffrey: “Maybe they just don't understand good journalism.”

Blackman: “They don't read it because they don't relate to it! Look at these articles: making scented candles, the truth behind Belgian lace, Ikebana the ancient art of Japanese flower arrangement?!”

“If I didn't know any better I would say this is written by a couple of middle age homos. Listen up Chuck! Either you find someone who can relate to the students or you are off the paper!”

Chuck: “You hear that Geoffrey? If he takes the paper away from me that means I have to spend more time teaching the students and frankly I'm out of information.”

Geoffrey: “Oh that's not what he's talking about. We relate to the students.”

Chuck: “Maybe we don't.”

Geoffrey: “Well I do, hell, I'm practically their age.”

“I've got the body hair of a 14 year old!”

Chuck: “I've got to think of something. I'm going to get some fresh air by the candy machine.”

Geoffrey: “Do what you have to do.”

“Hey chuck! I've got the answer. Dear Deco, saw the legs off the table and make it a cutting board! If this doesn't connect to the students I don't know what will!”

“Geez, somebody's a crabby bunny!”

Jerri: “Hey Mr. J, whatcha writing there, your obituary?”

“What did she mean by that Chuck?”

“All the perfumes of Arabia, won't mask the STINK of betrayal Chuck!”

“I can't believe you replaced me.”

Chuck: “I did what I had to do to save my paper.”

Geoffrey: “Your paper or your self?”

Chuck: “You take that back!”

Geoffrey: “I will not, I shall repeat it! SELF!”

Chuck: “GET OUT!!”

Geoffrey: “Out of this classroom, or out of your life.”

Chuck: “Little care I.”

Geoffrey: “Fine, I'll go, but I'm not leaving.”

Chuck: “I'm sure you'll want this back.”

Geoffrey: “I didn't give you that.”

Chuck: “Oh that's right my wife did I gotta find that or she'll kill me.”

Geoffrey: “Good luck Chuck. I hate you.”

Chuck: “Why don't you put that in your column Geoffrey. Oh that's right you don't have one anymore!”

Geoffrey: “Hello, Judas.”

Chuck: “I'm sorry Geoffrey, I can't hear you about the roar of my success.”

Geoffrey: “Let's see if you can hear this. I'm a desperate man Chuck, no sense in pretending. And desperate men do desperate things.”

Chuck: “Just like your ex-column Geoffrey you never seen to arrive at a point.”

Geoffrey: “Let's see how sharp this point is. There's a certain someone who has a certain secret and if revealed would certainly destroy him. And there's another certain someone who knows all about this certain secret and if that certain someone doesn't get what he wants he'll tell everyone. CERTAINLY!”

Chuck: “You wouldn't!”

Geoffrey: “Desperate!”

“Night fever night fever. Roller boogie!”

“I guess it falls to me to welcome you all here to Jerri's celebration. What a big night this should have... been for me.”

“Alright well stay tuned for a big announcement I'll be making that is sure to bring a lot of gasps from most of you and a lot of weeping from one of you. A lot, Chuck.”

"Once I was afraid, I was petrified. But I will survive!"

“I'm back! Chuck did you hear that!”

“What are you doin?”

Chuck: “I was just measuring you for your welcome back to the paper hat!”

Episode 28: There Once Was Blank From Nantucket

“AAA! EEEE! I.... Ohhh! You!”

“Why don't we just put a robe on the Mona Lisa?”

Girl: “There is a robe on the Mona Lisa.”

“That's my point Exactly! That's how Rembrandt ruined it!”

“OK people! Make sure and follow the curves of the body. Paying special attention to those adorable pert, young teenage breasts.”

“HEY! Listen guys! Focus on your drawings or I will have you standing here all night sketching naked girls. And I mean it!”

“Jerri why aren't you drawing?”

Jerri: “Can I talk to you for a second?”

“Out in the hallway”

“Keep your eyes on that girl!”

“At this school?”

“Boys bathroom? I better take a look.”

“I have to go somewhere with Jerri, so I'm going to leave you alone with this naked high school girl. Strivulla stay perfectly still.”

“You know something? I better grab Chuck Noblet, we've been looking for an excuse to go into that boy's bathroom for a while. Just to make sure everything's...you know... alright.”

“Chuck! Would you come with me to the uh...”

Chuck: “Boy's bathroom?”

G: “Right you are!”

Chuck: “That is the most sexually degrading experience I have ever been a party to.”

Geoffrey: “Amen.”

Both: “Ooohh the stall right...... we didn't get a chance to take a look.”

Geoffrey: “Why don't we go back in there.”

Chuck: “I'm right behind you.”

“Jerri this might take a while, you might not want to hang out”

Chuck: “Yeah we gotta closely scrutinize that um...”

Jerri: “Stall?”

Chuck: “Right, yeah.”

Episode 29: Bully

“Ladies!”

“Fight, there's a fight?”

“Listen girls, violence never solves anything except... conflict.”

“I know, I'm a pacifist. I pass-a-fist... get it?”

“OK, get to class now.”

“She got the message!”

“OK if you excuse me now, I have to...mail a package.”

“Listen to your friend Jerri, that's sound wisdom.”

“Hey you fellow acadamiacs! Guess what day it is!!”

“Uhoh! New guy!! I'm Geoffrey Jellineck. Don't let the boyish looks fool you. I am a teacher!”

“Tomorrow is pot luck Friday. Here is how it works! Each of us sign up today for the food we will be bringing tomorrow!”

“Still need a creamy vegetable or a leafy dessert. What can I jot you down for?”

Tidbits: “Are you a faggot?”

Geoffrey: “I'm sorry, what's happening?”

Tidbits: “You seem womanly to me, which leads me to believe you are a faggot. Well?”

“I'm not kidding, I hate queers.”

“Hey! Listen I think we got off to a pretty bad start there. It's probably my fault.”

“Tell ya what, why don't we head over to my class, i have a blow torch, we'll fire up some crème brules have a little rap session and work out this whole misunderstanding!”

Tidbits: “Listen, skirt, I'm not into that scene. I find your lifestyle offensive, it has no place in a house of learning. So I'll tell ya what. You have two choices: one do the right thing and resign, today, or prove to me that you are a man by fighting me.”

Geoffrey: “I appreciate your opinion but I won't be doing either. I love my job here and I'm a practicing pacifist.”

“Well, actually I was hoping that we could have a little talk in private.”

Blackman: “Anything you can say in private you can say in public.”

“Alright, good. Well, I'm having a bit of a misunderstanding with one of the teacher's here and before it escalates I'd like you to mediate a little jam session so we can work out this conflict.”

“Hey Jerri, so I heard about your little trouble after school”

“What are you going to do?”

“I guess you're going to have to show up. But you don't have to fight. It's called pacifism, Jerri, and I fight my battles by not fighting.”

“Sure, some have called me a coward. But others have called me a pussy. Understand?”

“Talk to your bully Jerri, understand her. Show her your weaknesses until she becomes weak herself.”

“Hey I got something for you. Peace! It's your greatest weapon. Now let's go kick some peace!”

“Before we get started, I've got something to say. Nothing you do or say will cause me to react or protect myself in any way.”

Tidbits: “Look I'm tired, why don't we just call this a vicious beating.”

“Only if you're willing to admit that the face is mightier than the fist!”

Tidbits: “Think you can give me a lift home?”

“Sure, why don't I go get the car....”

“Yeah you know maybe I was wrong about this pacifism thing.”

“That's absolutely right Jerri. Hey! I think my brain is starting to hemorrhage.”

Jerri: “That's HiLARious!”

Episode 30: The Last Temptation of Blank

Chuck: “I asked my lover, Mr. Jellineck, to make some transparencies.”

Geoffrey: “He's kidding! We're not lovers. We just have sex.”

Chuck: “Hot. Ass-thumping. Sex.”

“Now we are privileged to have a professional artist helping us out today.”

“What is that?”

Geoffrey: “Armageddon.”

Chuck: “No it's not.”

Geoffrey: “Why do I care, I'm a Buddhist.”

Chuck: “Gain way! Runaway teacher!”

“This thing is a HOOT!”

Chuck: “God you're lucky!”

“Whoops! Look at the time, I better get back to class!”

Chuck: “All aboard!”

Geoffrey: “I hope you finished your charcoal....”

“What's going on here, this is my class room!”

“Grand opening of what?”

“We'll see about this!”

“Look sharp! You're in big trouble mister!”

“Is there something happening to the school?”

“We sure sent a message. And we'll be shouting that message. Even from our jail cells.”

Blackman: “Lead on you stupid junkie whore.”

Jerri: “I can't run in these shoes.”