Pilot: Retardation a Celebration

“3..2...1..”

Laughton: “Lookit Troy. I know we're coworkers and possibly friends, but I might have to tell Dr. Brabham about your problem.”

“You think we have a problem?”

Laughton: “Effin A we have a problem! You're taking the patients' medication Mrs. Paramore's not getting half her habidol and none of her notadrine.”

“One small step for man...”

Laughton: “She needs those pills to relax her muscles.”

“One giant leap for Troy.”

Laughton: “Last night her adDOhmen cramped up tighter than reefna(?) and I had to spend two hours rubbing it out because you're out of control. You need to understand that I've been investigating you and if I told Dr. Brabham about half of what I know I could have you so fired.”

“Laughton, into the pod.”

Laughton: “The what?”

“Look Laughton, unfortunately there is only room for one in the escape pod and I've.... chosen you.”

Laughton: “Is this a freak out? Are you freaking on the Habidol?”

“Major get in the pod!”

Laughton: “But I don't want to get in the pod!”

Dr. Brabham: “Troy, where's Laughton?”

“Uh, I think he's in that locker”

Dr. Brabham: “Laughton I want to talk to you about Mrs. Paramour. Did you rub her?”

Laughton: “Her abDOHmen seized up.”

Dr. Brabham: “For the last time Laughton you are not to administrate rehabilitation to the elderly. You are an orderly, orderlies do not...what is that pill cup doing here?”

“Laughton left it down here, I'll take it up.”

Dr. Brabham: “Laughton what did I tell you about the pill cups...?”

Laughton: “I.. I.. I don't remember.”

Dr. Brabham: “Troy listen before you go, I want you to meet Jerri. Jerri is our new freshman volunteer we've been talking about.”

“So freshman, how old are you?”

Sears: “Gee, why the long face?”

“About your uterus scape?”

“I'm sorry for your loss”

Jerri: “Say Sears? How do you know if someone's....”

“Gay?”

Jerri: “Who are what?”

Yes most of them are.

“Most gays are retarded.”

“I don't know make a pass at her and find out. She'd have to be retarded to turn you down.”

“Gay people? They can be. I don't know but I do know where I can find out.”

“Let's see, mania, neurosis, Oklahoma, pirates, quicksand. Oh here we go! Retardation: A Celebration!”

Jerri: “Let's read it now.”

Wilford Brimley: “Hi this is Wilford Brimley welcome to Retardation: A Celebration.”

“Hopefully with this book I'm going to dispel a few myths, a few rumors.”

“First off the retarded don't rule the night, they don't rule it nobody does.”

“They don't run in packs. While they may not be as strong as apes, Don't lock eyes with them don't do it, it puts them on edge. It might put them into berserker mode and they'll come at you like a whirling dervish, all fists and elbows”

“You may be screaming no no no, but all they hear is 'who wants cake?'”

“That's it for the celebration, I guess the most important thing to remember is they're just like you and me.”

“She's just under too much pressure, running away is all she knows.”

Mom: “You're right Searsy, she shouldn't wear pleats.”

Episode 1: Old Habits, New Beginnings

“Just a little bit of Americana for drug awareness week. it's the battle of Miami, you got Columbus here fighting the pilgrims as they attempted to land.”

Jerri: “you seem like an outsider”

“I'm am an artist”

“Really?You have such a beautiful brother”

“You're a very special person. You're a joy to be around you're.. beautiful inside.”

“All you need to do to fit in is dig down deep inside and find out what makes you unique.”

“Dig around like a badger in a trash can”

“Go with what you know”

“You run along. I've got work to do. Lock that door on the way out.”

Episode 2: A Burden's Burden

Geoffrey: “I understand these are broken.”

Chuck: “Yeah that's what I heard.”

Geoffrey: “I can wait.”

Chuck: “Just be a minute.”

Geoffrey: “So is that your boy out there on the playground?”

Chuck: “Seamus? Yeah he's a real scrapper. Sure does miss his mom.”

Geoffrey: “What uh..”

Chuck: “We lost her to uh.. let's just say she went quickly.”

Geoffrey: “Sorry.”

Chuck: “How bout you? Is that your boy taking over the monkey bars out there?

Geoffrey: “That's Tobey, certainly is a handful for a single parent.”

Chuck: “I'm sorry is there no Mrs. uh....”

Geoffrey: “Jellineck. Geoffrey Jellineck, I'm the new art teacher.”

Chuck: “Oh of course you are! Hi I'm Chuck Noblet Social Studies, Creative Writing, Assistant to the Principle.”

Geoffrey: “What don't you do?”

Chuck: “Get my lesson plans in on time!”

Chuck: “So is there no... Mrs. Jellineck”

Geoffrey: “No.”

Chuck: “Divorce?”

Geoffrey: “She was uh... murdered.”

Chuck: “Sometimes that can be just as painful.”

“Easy there!”

“Grasp the pot like you would a mischievous child's neck.”

“Dig your thumbs in there like you're gouging out the eyes of an enemy.”

“yes that's good”

“I'm gonna go run and get some cereal you've almost got a bowl there!”

“That's OK Jerri it doesn't matter when you get here, just what time.”

“OK everybody let's have a look at those homework assignments.”

“Tammi... that needs a head.”

“Jerri do you have your homework assignment?”

“What is it?”

“In life we all have our babies. You need to learn to prioritize. Look at me, I have a son. He's not always first on the list, often he doesn't even make the list!”

“What's that smell?”

“OK everybody... lets uh.. crack a window”

Principle Blackman: “If Mr. Noblet and Mr. Jellineck had not been at the park at 3am, they never would have stumbled upon this tiny tyke behind a cluster of boxwoods, sleeping like a log.”

Jerri: “What were Jellineck and Noblet doing at the park at 3am?”

Principle Blackman: “I guess we'll never know”

Episode 3: Dreams on the Rocks

“Tough year to make casting decisions.”

“The part of Abetha will be going to Susan Cream.”

“The part of Zobo will be played by Craig Snow. You've got some big shoes to fill mister! That part was originally played by Sidney Poitier.”

“And finally, being cast in the lead in the role of Mama, the poor but proud heavy set African-American woman... Jerri blank.”

“There they are, this years cast of Raisin in the Sun.”

“We did have a little difficulty casting for Walter Scott Lee, the young attractive but troubled son. Sooo... we cut it.”

“Don't worry there are roles for everybody, you'll all be playing trees!”

“One thing about the role of Mama... I'd like you to gain.. 40 lbs”

“I like to go as realistic as possible”

“Concentrate on this region, you're selling it down here.”

“OK trees one more time. When you're on stage. This is THIS”

“GodDAMN it. We've got one day people!”

“I've already lost a tree today because of an attitude problem”

“Craig, excellent job. Please take five.”

“Jerri I'd like to speak with you for a minute.”

“Jerri remember when we discussed how you'd play your character as though you're being chased by a cougar?”

“Frankly I don't see it. I don't know what you're being chased by.”

“Here put this on. Now let's hear your line”

“It's difficult with all this emotional baggage”

“If you can't check your baggage at the door I will find somebody else.”

“Somebody who doesn't have a family”

“You can stop gaining the weight now, you're more than there.”

“Where's my raisin?!?”

“Dear god, please give me the strength to blame those who did this to me, to accuse those who didn't and the wisdom to know the difference.”

Episode 4: Who Wants Cake?

“Chuck, take five”

“Snitching doesn't seem like you, Jerri”

“Gay?”

“Most of them are”

“Most gay people are retarded.”

“Make a pass at her and find out, she'd have to be retarded to turn you down.”

“you better find out”

“Retardation a Celebration, this will have all the information about retardation that you'll need”

Wilfred Brimley: “Hi this is Wilfred Brimley welcome to Retardation: A Celebration.”

“Hopefully with this book I'm going to dispel a few myths, a few rumors.”

“First off the retarded don't rule the night, they don't rule it nobody does.”

“They don't run in packs. While they may not be as strong as apes, Don't lock eyes with them don't do it, it puts them on edge. It might put them into berserker mode and they'll come at you like a whirling dervish, all fists and elbows”

“You may be screaming no no no, but all they hear is 'who wants cake?'”

“That's it for the celebration, I guess the most important thing to remember is they're just like you and me.”

Episode 5: Bogie nights

“Jerri, what's this I hear about you spending time with the new new student?”

“I'm having some of the violent students work out their aggression on the percussion instruments.”

“Lets just say a jealous little Filipino snitch told me.”

“If wishes and buts were clusters of nuts we'd all have a bowl of granola!”

“Spike Jabber is making eyes at you.”

Episode 6: Let Freedom Ring

“I'm sure you're wondering how I'm doing after the.. incident.”

“I'm shaken and upset. So if you'd like to send baskets or donations I've written my address, it's at the back of the class on the easel.”

“But please, no mylar balloons. They never deflate and I don't have the heart to throw them away”

“I was wearing a dago tee and this thin cotton blousy shirt with an Indian pattern and I was talking down the hallway and I hear a sound that spray can sound.”

“And that smell that... paint smell i can't get it out of my nose i looked and i saw the word

it said N..N..N...”

Episode 7: Feather in the Storm

“OK everybody we're going to take a look at our self portraits.”

“Remember we were to work in any medium, as long as it was clay.”

“Lou Ellen, yes your ankles are delicate. Good work.”

“Diego, you captured your ribcage beautifully, it looks like a xylophone.”

"Buster, good work I like what you're doing."

“Keaton, very thin very good.”

“Jerri is this how you imagine yourself?”

“While we're gone, why don't you sculpt a self portrait of me!”

“Excellent it looks like a corpse i love it.”

“Ladies...”

“Jerri do you care how others perceive you?”

“How many times did you make yourself throw up today?”

“Don't lie to me Jerri. Fool me, con me, create illusions that place me in a magical world I don't understand, but don't lie to me.”

“So you can eat anything you want any time you want and it never shows.”

“You can eat half a strawberry cheese cake at three o' clock in the morning and never gain an ounce.”

“Yes I do Jerri, but don't you ever.”

“Chuck Noblet and I were off for a little jog before we got home to our wives”

“I stumbled upon these pills in your daughter's locker”

“Your daughter has a disease we call... anorexia”

“It often sweeps through third world countries that are stricken by drought.”

“Simmer down... Stew. Obviously you have a beef Stew, but please don't stir things up.”

“Let him talk...”

Mrs. Blank: “him who?”

“Him me.”

“I've gotta run but as soon as you're ready to talk about your family problems with an art teacher you can call me.”

“I just called your family and your meat man, they should be here any minute”

“This family needs to open up and start communicating”

“Tell Jerri that you love her”

“Good but see if you can restate that in a more positive way”

“So you can learn to communicate better as a family and meat man.”

“Everybody freeze! Everybody look where Jerri is right now.”

“No don't look, pretend to read a magazine and sneak a peak.”

“Jerri can you tell we're looking at you?”

“What a success for me!”

“She voluntarily baked herself so that you could live.”

“I ripped the wishbone out of your beloved Suki, what are you going to wish for?”

Episode 8: To Be Young, Gifted and Blank

“Jerri I need crisp shots to the timpani, like you're striking a lover's rump”

“Hard enough to raise a welt, yet soft enough that it leaves no permanent scar that might be used against you in a court of law.”

“Watch the baton, it's like a sheep, it jumps the fence and goes to sleep.”

“We'll pick it up tomorrow where Peter is mauled by the wolf.”

“Except for you Jerri, I'd like to see you at a quarter after never.”

“Hello Chuck, your little history fingers must be all gooey from sticking them in my musical pie.”

“I'm kicking you back on.”

“Jerri's not something you capture Chuck she's like a bear trapper who's caught his prey.”

“Don't be surprised if she doesn't gnaw her own limb off to get away.”

“Jerri's life should not be about you Chuck, it should be about me. So think about why you're doing this and what it is doing to us.”

“Happy new year chuck. I got you this fun bucket of assorted popcorn.”

“It's late Chuck, what do you want.”

“I've come to stop the madness”

“I'm already in it”

“But even if you do win Chuck it won't change the reason why you don't play the violin.”

“The reason you don't play the violin is.......”

“YOU. DON'T. KNOW. HOW.”

“Show me how you can't play Chuck!”

Jerri: “It tore apart the oddly close relationship of these teachers who are both married with children.”

Episode 9: Jerri is Only Skin Deep

“Hey you there varsity! I'm serious now, I better start seeing some of your young athletic faces in my art class!”

“Lunchtime, second most important meal of the day!”

“Varsity! You kidders!”

“Mind if I join you or are you saving all these empty chairs for somebody?”

“Why do you think I'm such a popular teacher?”

“Good one P-Jon!”

“GodDAMNit!”

“A baked potato? That hurts! I'm enjoying this as much as you people but this has got to stop NOW.”

Episode 10: The Trip Back

“Now this particular kiln heats up to 1500 degrees. To put that in perspective, imagine one degree 1500 times.”

“Oh Pepper a turtle, very nice.”

“What do you got there Jerri?”

“No carb hole, interesting.”

“I thought I'd teach class today in a more informal setting. I was hoping we could shoot the breeze a bit, you know rap.”

“Now there's been this herb that's affecting my class. Most of you know it by it's ancient Dutch name MaraHuughjuana”

“Everything is funny on pot isn't it”

“Yeah I used to get stoned. A few years back I was pretty down. I'd just started this job, and my plugs weren't taking, my parents were brutally murdered and I was.. fat.”

“So I turned to pot hoping it would solve my problems. And you know something. The only thing it fixed was my life.”

“I know it feels good. I know we've all read the “scientific studies” that say it's non-addictive and there are no side effects.”

“But scientist don't smoke pot. We do. And that's the difference.”

“All I'm saying is if you want to get high, then be prepared to spend a lot of time laughing with your friends. Think about it.”

“Now we still have 55 minutes left for class so I thought I'd play a little mountain music I wrote on the beach.”